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On Smooching:

Dear Sunshine Clusterfuck,

I have this problem, and I’m hoping you can help. I recently started flirting with this cute guy on the Okcupids and he’s pretty awesome. He’s into bikes and talking about bikes and bike-related activities. That’s not the problem. The problem is that my bestie is currently “smooching” with said cute guy. But they’re not dating. They’re in that weird limbo place that people my age (I’m 27) commonly find themselves. What the fuck should I doooooooo?? -Cyn


Thank you for coming to us for advice. You are our very first advice-receiver, and trust that you will be rewarded with a much better life than the one you had before coming to Sunshine Clusterfuck. It’s important to live well in These Modern Times, which can be hard and confusing to navigate, what with computers and portable telephones and Apple stores, etc.  Modern relationships in modern times call for modern advice.

Firstly, you did not adequately define “smooching”, which can either be a pleasant, family-friendly euphemism for hardcore X-rated anal action; or, it can simply mean a cuddly, hairy cold winter’s night bedwarmer. An essential accessory for any woman stuck in the depths of a Minneapolis winter. For the purposes of our imagination, we will assume the former.

Now we suggest you text your friend. Or if she is on Facebook chat, click on her profile thing and send her a private message (be sure not to “post on her wall”, however, because you will want to keep this matter between friends!). If she is on Twitter, send her a “direct message”, not a simple @reply. If she’s on ICQ, you may have inadvertently stepped into an Einstein-Rosen bridge and have traveled back to 1999. In that case, we’ve no good advice for you but to warn everyone about 9/11 and Maroon 5.

Assuming you are still in Modern Times, say something like, “sup, babes?”. See how she responds. She might say something like, “nothin much. u?” This is your chance to test the murky waters. Say: “you know that guy you’re sleeping with but have no emotional attachment to?”. She will probably say yes, she knows (or if she has multiple “smoochers”, perhaps further clarification will be needed). Now say, “since you’re an emotional cripple and cannot form lasting or meaningful human bonds with men, would you mind if i started fucking him instead? lol <3”. The “lol” (lower-case not capital) is meant to soften the impact of your question.

If she says yes, you’re golden. Get on your bike and bang that skinny little tattoo’d fuck.

If she says no, you might have to be prepared to do what you were already going to do all along: fuck him anyway.

Good luck! And be sure to wear protection in These Modern Times! We recommend Sir Richards because it has pretty package design and a rly hip blog!

Love, SCF